For more than a year, this journal has been locked and for friends' eyes only. One day, I woke up and said, "To hell with propriety!" and immediately decided that it doesn't really matter if I keep this journal locked or not, so I might as well make my thoughts public and up for everyone's perusal. I don't think there's really anything to hide anyway and it might save everyone the trouble of befriending me or whatever the hell just to know what I've been up to. It also saves ME the trouble of befriending others who are only interested in knowing what I'm up to regardless of whether I want to know what they're up to or not.

That's not to say I'm going to be adding everyone who adds me as a friend. There are two reasons why I'm not going to add you (if I end up not adding you). One, I am not interested in what you have to say and since I'm making this public, you can see what i have to say anyway. And two, I'm too lazy to bother adding you (which complements the first reason).

Read at your own risk.





(Previous entries are still locked, by the way, because I'm too impatient to make all of them public.)

...Maybe the difference this time around is that I came into it not needing to find that missing puzzle piece, or not needing to fill the empty space. And I'm grateful. I don't need to refuse from running this time. It's because I can't. And once again, I'm grateful.





.....................................


By the way, NATURE? Guess what? It is no tragedy.

The beating of my heart doesn't feel like a ticking time bomb anymore. I feel it pounding, struggling to get out of my chest.




It scares me.



-----------------------------



I should be doing my thesis sentence outline right this very minute and probably a million other things that I'm being reminded of, but I can't. My head is exploding with thoughts and it feels like something keeps crawling up my spine. I need to lay down, need to keep moving, need to listen to really loud, really soft, upbeat, mellow music. I need to read but I can't concentrate.

Is this what it feels like to finally need actual medication? Somehow, I don't think medicating myself will help with anything though; certainly not with this.

I've almost forgotten why I used to NOT do this. I've almost forgotten why I ran away. Over and over and over again.

Now, I'm starting to remember again, not just with my head, but with the rest of who I am.




I'm not going run away, this time around. Fuck it; I refuse to.



-----------------------------

"You can't really have them na madali...things come with certain costs." - Veda.

It’s times like these when I wonder what is to become of me, and I sit with no one to talk to, and there is an itch to feel not quite alone, not quite lonely. I shudder to think that ten years from now, I will still feel the same feeling, have the same itch, and not know quite how to scratch it.

I may be a wild pony, and I may have been born to run. I may not ever belong to anyone but it will never be alright, not really. Creatures are born every single second of every single day, and if there is even one creature born to live a life going against its nature, it is the ultimate tragedy.

I care not to think that it shall always be like this; for now, I sit and ponder and hope, maybe, somehow, it is not nature that prevents and eludes. Not mine. I walk the halls of the academe aiming to disprove exactly this. Nature.

I have yet to win.

……………………………………………………

I fight for you, every single waking moment of my life.

I fight for you, against my better judgment.

I fight for you, despite not knowing how to fight for you.

I fight for you, even when I am against fighting, not for this.

I don’t even know you.


……………………………………………………

Come home, come home
I’ve been waiting for you
For so long, so long
And right now, there’s a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So, come home --- Come Home, One Republic

So, I know that I already texted you yesterday and all that, but since I'm online, I might as well also greet you here too!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHI! (obliviate)

You are such beautiful, talented, amazing woman and you've just lived 2 decades of hopefully memorable, but surely fulfilling years of your life. I wish you nothing less than the best, and nothing less than to live a life without regrets. To wake up in the morning looking forward to the day and to look back before you sleep at night without frustrations.

I LOVE YOU AND I CARE FOR YOU DEARLY.

(And keep rocking our socks, yes?)