I remember making a list of resolutions for 2009. Eight of them, in fact, and then this really cheesy letter that I considered my ninth resolution. It was a list that bore more than just my resolutions for the year that now has come to an end. It was a promise for change. It was a pact I made with myself; something I had to do for me before I did anything for anyone else, before I would have really been able to do anything for anyone else.
For the most part, these resolutions became the significant foundations, not just of my year, but of the way I had set out to change the parameters of my life. These resolutions were the necessary slap in the face, so to speak. Only they didn’t hurt as much, and what I did to and for myself was far from tough love (I’m quite familiar with carino brutal, thank you very much, and as far as I’m concerned, that never really worked for me so I’m not going to subject myself to such treatment in the foreseeable future).
For once in my life, after quite some time, I started off the year – and maybe the rest of my life – with a promise. To appreciate. To hold on to promises. To stop dwelling. To look forward. To make it simple. To get a healthy distraction. To be comfortable in my skin.
To breathe.
(And breathe I did. Above all, that was the most useful, but the most difficult. As proven in history, things aren’t usually the way they seem. Breathing, albeit seemingly involuntary, actually takes work.)
The year 2009, in a nutshell, is a year I am certainly grateful for. The year has been quite nice to me. I really have a lot to thank for, even with the occasional slips and slides along the way. It wasn’t a smooth road getting to where I am now, an hour away from 2010, but it was a road that I most definitely did not face alone.
I had my mother, who I may not agree with on account of beliefs and my life decisions (oh, and she doesn’t even know the half of it yet at that), but I know she loves me the way she knows how, the way she can. More than anything, what she really wants is to see me keep on keeping on, and in a way, even with the occasional relapses, I think I pretty much already gave her that.
I had my friends who made talking a little easier, even when I didn’t really know how to talk about the things that matter. These are people I know would always be there even when I disagree with them, even when we don’t necessarily see eye to eye. These are people who will always be there even when they don’t fucking need me, but would not hesitate to ask for my help when they do (because they know I will). These are people who respect me even when I refuse to respect myself; who won’t second-guess my capacity, but won’t hesitate to tell to my face if something I’ve done is worth second-guessing; who have the audacity, to tell to my face, what they think about me, rather than talk about me behind my back. These are the people who won’t just drop me like hot potato the moment I disappoint them or they don’t have use for me anymore because more than anything, they are the people who have chosen – either consciously or not – to cultivate relationships with me that are worth more than any shoes I may or may not be able to fill. These are the people who trust me, and I trust back.
And I had YOU, the subject of that letter I wrote exactly a year ago that I didn’t expect would come into my world at this particular point in my life. I don’t know if you’re aware exactly of the role you played in making the past couple hundreds of days more life changing than I would have ever expected when this year started out. What was once an abstract silhouette of a future I thought up in my head finally, after 20 years of my existence, gained concrete grounding. I am no longer floating, at least in that facet of my life; I can now walk, run, trot, jump towards where we can work with to be together (operative term being “we”). If there is one thing I have to thank you for – more than what I always thank you for – it’s the way you remind me that we are capable. That we CAN.
At one point in the middle of the year, my father, in a rare moment of drunken humility (and when I say rare, I was referring to the humility part only) actually called me to him, crying as he was at the time, and said the one thing I never thought he’d ever really say:
“Sorry, anak.”It was some thing I always held against him, his incapacity to admit to his faults. I never thought, even with liquid courage, that he’d ever say those words out loud, especially to me – the young kid who could go 3 whole months giving him the cold treatment and not really feeling anything (and I would have gone the rest of my life doing so if not for the request of my mother and my aunt).
But he said it. The one word I vowed I would never be selfish in giving anyone, if I knew for a fact that they deserved it.
Sorry.
I got my once desired apology.
…And I didn’t feel anything. No relief. No sense of justice. Not even the usual remorse. Nothing. Nothing at all.
And I guess, when I look back on that moment, I realize that it was
just a little too late.(But I accepted the apology, if only it was the one thing I could ever really do for him. Maybe he sleeps a little easier now, who knows? My sleep is a different matter altogether.)
2010 will be a year of turning points.
So, if there’s one thing I can ever really be resolute about when it comes to this new year, it’s that I
make my own turning points. And yes, I recognize that I am still bound by the conditions to which I am surrounded with – but then again, who says I don’t have the agency to
challenge that recognition, anyway?
Thus, if there’s anything I swear to live by, 2010 will be a year of
surprises.With that vow, I say to anyone who’s had the patience and the interest to read this far:
Refuse to be told off. Do not let anyone tell you who, what, or how you are or should be. But take note, never shrug them off, and never take what they have to say for granted. You don’t have to believe them, but you have to listen to what they have to say, if only to know how to prove them wrong.
Don’t let anyone tell you what to believe in, or what to read, or what to listen to. Question anything and everything, even yourself. And when in this questioning you realize the truth that you can’t deny – a truth that goes beyond words, and abstractions – then make this truth that which is fundamental, but never blinding. And then make a master of yourself not just in that truth, but most especially in all those who claim to be antitheses to this truth.
Bury complacency…or it will bury you. Just saying.
And to all those who’re wondering what surprises are in store for them…well. If you’re worth surprising (the good kind, the bad, both?), then maybe you’ll be privy to it.
There are, most positively, two things I swear would make my life.
1. To prove people wrong
2. To be proven wrong
If in 2009, I asked to be surprised, well in 2010,
let me surprise you.HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! :D
